Valentine’s day as a single gal can be tough. Whether you want a relationship or not there’s something intensely annoying about a day geared to make you feel like a leper if you’re not spending it sitting across the table from someone in a Bella Italia.
Suddenly the entire bloody world seems to be posting proclamations of love to ‘this one’ on Instagram whilst essentially recording boomerangs of them shagging whilst you cry into your pot noodle, defiantly refusing to acknowledge the day in the name of ‘anti-commercialism’ whilst simultaneously jumping every time you get a text or a bouquet gets trotted into the office then sinking back into a depression when the bouquet is for that blonde girl who looks a bit like a damp biscuit and has been dating her doting but inexplicably handsome boyfriend for ten years and the text you received is from Dominos Clapton reminding you of their pizza for two deal.
I dont need that DOMINOS… fuck YOU DOMINOS
But it doesn’t have to be this way!
Here’s my guide to getting through Valentine’s day the classy way. You got this.
Have your responses ready
Hey everyone – what’s more annoying than smug Janet from accounts, who’s been with her weirdo husband for ten bajillion years, smugging past your desk with a bunch of roses and snidely enquiring how many Valentines’ cards you got this year?
Sitting there like with a face like thunder, unable to muster any response other than ‘none thanks Janet’ through gritted teeth. That’s what.
Yep it’s pretty shit when the best you’ve managed to muster in three years is a ‘Happy V day’ text from a guy you were ‘dating’ (inverted commas implemented due to the very loose nature of your courtship – i.e. going round to his house after the pub twice a week) which was then swiftly followed by ‘oops sorry not for you’.
Sure, we’d all like to stand up and say ‘go fuck yourself Janet, I’ve seen your husband and he looks like he was hit by the ugly bus so hard his face came out the back of his head and I’d quite frankly rather be grabbed by the you-know-what by Donald Trump than allow him anywhere near my lady parts’ before grabbing the roses and shoving them up her arse. Sure…
But ya know behaviour like that is kind of frowned upon in the office. So your options are thus
1)A witty yet shaming repost
“Are you going to ask all the men in the office that too Janet” (best delivered with a sickly sweet smile)
2) outright lies
“Oh gosh what a lovely bunch of flowers, they’d look lovely next to my wall of roses that my new boyfriend covered the entire of my building in this morning. Before he presented me with a mural he’d painted using the dust from my birthstone mixed with tears he shed thinking about my beauty. Then we had raucous sex and he rode off on his motorbike for while he is sensitive he is also a sexy badass and is also Zac Efron the end.”
Enjoy you garage roses JANET
Send yourself flowers
This is not a thousand miles away from the ‘outright lies’ tactic we saw expertly demonstrated above. This manoeuvre however requires skill and pre-planning. You need the flowers delivered in a public place, where everyone can see. No point sending yourself a gift designed to get you attention if no one sees it amirite?!
When they arrive pretend to be extremely surprised and overwhelmed. Get emotional. Softly repeat “I can’t believe he did this” to anyone who will listen to you. Take it up a gear, cry a bit and wave away would be comforters in a ‘oh I’m being so silly, I’m just so touched by this romantic gesture’ way.
Keep shedding your tears of joy. Avoid the eyes of your colleagues who know that these are tears of pathetic loneliness.
Get unbelievably drunk
No explanation necessary but if it doesn’t end with you loudly proclaiming (to work colleague/long suffering mate/homeless person or similar) “I.DONT.NEED.MEN” as if you’ve stumbled upon some holy epiphany before falling into your flat and then lying in bed with one foot on the ground to steady the uncontrollably spinning room trying to suppress the ever insistent flashback of you, sitting in the pub loo, with one eye open, texting some nonsensical desperate rubbish to any man who ever glanced in your general direction whilst breathing like an old carthorse you haven’t done it right.
Have a galentines day
Chances are that you’re not the only one dreading the big V day this year.
Chances also are that your single friends are also your most drunken and debauched. I don’t know why this is the case – maybe because they too have that cool, devil-may-care attitude of ‘oh well I’m dying alone anyway what’s another ten bottles of wine to myself and a misguided snog with a man called Carl at the local pub whilst everyone else is eating lasagne at Cote for the fifth year in a row’.
So grab your gals together! Wallow in each other’s misery! Pour each other another pint of wine whilst slurring “he wassunttt good enugh for you” while they use a beer mat to wipe their nose.
Have a romantic dinner for two
If you’ve neglected to organise a galentines or all your mates are hanging out with their boyfriends, simply have a romantic meal for two. It’s easy and you don’t even have to leave the comfort of your living room.
Step one: Put on some sort of over the top date night outfit
Step two: order a crap load of food off deliveroo (treat yourself you deserve it)
Step three: light candles in the flat and arrange some flowers on the table
Step four: open the door to the deliveroo man with a dazzling smile and call over your shoulder “HONEY the food’s here!” If you like you could even add a smug little “he loves me, not my cooking skills!” to really seal that deal.
Step five: shut the front door and immediately disrobe. Discard outfit in the hallway. Step into the nearest loungewear available.
Step six: blow out the candles and fire up the Netflix
Step seven: laugh manically to yourself as you stuff your happy face with double the amount of spring rolls and praise the lord that you are not currently sharing them with someone whilst wearing an uncomfortable dress and having to pretend to be really interested in his thoughts on workout routine/favourite indie podcast/workplace politics before both deciding you’re too full to have sex and then lying in bed listening to them fart Chinese food at you all the live long night.
Step eight: Eat rest of takeaway in bath and then listen to yourself fart Chinese food all the live long night.
Get over yourself
On a serious note*
*she says, as if she hasn’t done all of the above apart from sending herself flowers because she can’t afford them HAHA.
Valentines Day is just a day in the calendar. If you want it to mean something it can and if you’re not bothered feel free just to skip right over it. Sure it’s shitty if you’re alone and not happy about it but it’s not always a walk in the park if you’re in a relationship either. I spent my last Valentine’s Day acting like loves young dream, catching a west end show and eating dinner at the IVY like every smug couple I’ve ever taken the piss out of. The reality? My boyfriend had cheated on me but we were ‘giving it another go’ (why lord why) and he also had a delightful habit of screaming in my face on the regular about how deeply lacking he found me at any given opportunity that I was starting to find a tad unbearable. We might have looked like smug Valentines dicks but it was probably the loneliest I have ever felt in my whole life. I wish to god I had just thrown my stupidly tiny and pretentious arancini in his general direction and run for the hills/ the nearest pub containing my mates. Shoulda woulda coulda.
Being in a relationship doesn’t always = a blissful Valentine’s so remember that next time you reach for the interflora order form mmkay? Actually some of the most glorious Valentine’s of my existence have been spent with my other single mates. Top tip: Valentines day is an excellent night to go anywhere other than a restaurant with dim lighting. No queues at the bar, lots of places to sit, other single losers in their hundreds surround you!
Feeling lonely are we sir? Just got dumped??! How awful for you………………