How to attract a man

By a man.

The world of dating can be an entirely confusing one. It seems like no one really knows what to do for the best. So when I stumbled across an article on the dubiously named website niceteef.com promising to give me top tips to attracting a man I was hooked!

And, because I’m kind – I thought I’d share some of these pearls of wisdom with you all.

Rest assured that these tips come from a reputable source. To quote the article “a series of top tips for girls, from the people who really matter – blokes”.

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So, with that in mind let’s kick off with some of these well-informed tips. I personally can’t wait. I assume by the end of this article I will have a boyfriend so devoted not even a particularly aggressive case of measles* could drive from my side.

*incidentally exactly what I wish on the writer of this article.

“we want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed”

Of course, you bloody do. The angel/whore rhetoric is not exactly ground-breaking news, is it? It’s not the first time I’ve heard this, although one creative gentleman I dated referred to it as “Times New Roman in the Streets, Windings in the sheets”. Excellent work sir.

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The problem I have with this is it kind of suggests that it is somehow rare and/or special to be both ‘a lady’ and ‘a freak (in bed)’. It almost seems as if the chap that wrote this thinks that girls who are good in bed walk around vagina first, waggling it in the faces of unsuspecting young gentlemen who are just trying to go about their business.

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Whereas if you have a modicum of elegance in day to day life you must obviously have all the sexual prowess of an old sprout. Or do they imagine that reserved, elegant women dart around the bedroom covered in a sheet exclaiming ‘alack, away with thee you scoundrel’ every time a naked man approaches?

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And seeing as niceteef are dishing out the bedroom advice here’s some directly from us to you

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“As mentioned above, we really do want a lady in the street. Please don’t swear, shout, scream or act like a crazy woman in public.”

Oh my gosh thank you sooooooo much for this advice.

I usually tend to start all my dates by screeching “HELLO YOU TWAT, FUCKING WHO ELSE ARE YOU DATING ILL KILL THEM”. I now see that this must be where I am going wrong.

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Putting my aggressively sarcastic hat to the side for a second though – I think we all know that this behaviour is off putting. Just in the same way that it’s not particularly attractive when men are loud, crazy and aggressive.

In future I shall take this on board and only communicate with future dates through the medium of the panpipes and lightly intoned ditties in Iambic pentameter. This should hopefully keep any chance of ‘crazy woman’ coming out in public.

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I am however assuming that once off ‘the street’ all of the above are permissible. This should make for a Jekyll and Hyde dynamic that I’m super excited to embark on.

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As soon as the front door closes bebe

Oh shit I put my sarcastic hat back on again. Oh well.

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“A lot of men equate crazy chicks with good sex, but they are just side chicks, no sane man is wifing one of those.”

Lol. I don’t have a lot to say about this one. I mean…wow. Insightful.

“The only thing worse than having a girl who loves herself a bit too much, is one who is too demanding (and loves herself). I’m talking about that high maintenance chick who likes to make a man’s life hell.”

Yeah, I mean, what are we LIKE. Going around liking ourselves, getting ideas above our station. ASKING for things like fidelity and… you know…texting us back once in a while. What dicks are we. Anyone would think we were human beings or something.

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Come on ladies, get it together. Loathe yourselves please. And literally don’t ask for anything. Asking for as much as a sandwich can be highly off putting if you want to snare a stand-up bloke like the guys at niceteef. Let alone romance you demanding harlot.

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“We are too busy maintaining our fantasy football teams, and erecting shelfs and stuff to be having to deal with female demands of attention for attention’s sake.”

Yes, I can see how that does demand a lot of time an energy. I do apologise.

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“Nothing winds blokes up more than a mate who is not allowed out because of his girlfriend/wife. The blokes are to blame, too (man up, lads), but you should really think twice about adopting this type of mentality if you want a healthy, long term relationship.”

Putting my aggressively sarcastic hat to one side for a second, I’d really like to know where this ‘not allowed to go out’ misconception comes from. I am willing to accept that PERHAPS there is a small contingent of women who maliciously block their boyfriends from going out for no good reason at all. Maybe that is true.

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Me neither mags but yet here we are

However, a very common denominator of boys who claim that ‘they aren’t allowed to go out’ also are the boys who cheat on their girlfriends/spend all the money in the joint account/are sick all over themselves every time they’re in sniffing distance of a light up dancefloor. What a BIZARRE coincidence.*

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*I’d like to state that I don’t agree with this in any way shape or form and think that the actual solution here is to break up with the cheating douche but what do I know.

Equally though, I really don’t think any girl wants to stop her boyfriend going out. Spoiler alert guys – we LOVE it when you bugger off and we get the house to ourselves to have a bath without someone trying to do a poo and not understanding why we don’t want that. Or lying on the sofa scratching their balls and going “Who’s that?”, “What’s she upset for” all the way through Dr Foster.

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GO OUT and stay out for Christ’s sake.

“Don’t be a Diva. Men can spot them from a mile off, and the only men interested in Divas are those looking for a trophy girlfriend. A bimbo on their arm. I have talked about good looking girls with mates so many times, and it often ends with the pay off line “but she loves herself”. Thinking you are too good for a man or better than anyone else is very off-putting. Down to earth girls win out in the end.”

This is a very easy tip to put into action. Every morning get up, look at yourself in the mirror and just whisper “you’re a piece of shit” at yourself. That oughta do it.

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THIS IS WHAT MEN WANT

 

So there you have it ladies. A well-informed modern man’s take on how we ladies can make ourselves more palatable to men.

Excuse me whilst I go put my head directly into the oven.

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