How to prepare for a nose piercing

I’ve had my nose pierced on and off since I was 18 years old. I first had it done in Vienna on the day of my A Level results. A celebration of what is, sadly, probably one of the most successful days of my life. I had got my grades, I was going to university, what better way to celebrate than with a giant hole in my nose.

Over the years my nose piercing and I have had our ups and downs (heads up the downs are a little stomach turning so best to put that snack away now) but I’m pretty much in love with it. I love it almost as much as my mum absolutely hates it. And considering she comments on every single Instagram that shows it (which is a lot considering its on my face and I’m basically totally vain) with ‘Would be nicer without that giant blackhead on your nose…oh wait’ I think it’s safe to say the piercing is here to stay. (try saying that quickly after a glass or seven of wine).

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However, it’s not that small a commitment to get a hole in the middle of your face so here’s your need to know on all things nose piercing related. Enjoy! And seriously I would not snack through this.

It hurts

I feel like having a nose piercing is a bit like having a baby (bear with) because having had my nose pierced three times in total over the years every time I merrily trot into the piercing studio with the happy naivety of a total idiot who has decided that having a metal ring pushed into her nose on a chronic hangover will be a walk in the park.

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Anyway, every time I have gone in there I have merrily hopped up onto the bed of pain and then been absolutely floored by how much my eyes have watered. I could brave this one out and pretend that’s the worst of it but I also fainted. Twice. Three times. I’ve fainted all three times ok.

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I’m a huge cry baby and it should be noted that on the way to one appointment I had to put my head between my knees and whisper ‘come on…its aaaalright’ to myself on the bus on account of the fact that I had decided to play ‘let’s drink all the wine in London’ with a bad bearded tinder date the night before. My point is I wasn’t in the best state for anything, let alone a piercing and my pain threshold was significantly lowered as a result.

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In reality the piercing itself isn’t that catastrophic and I’m aware I’m a wimp and that it may be totally different for you. It’s just that in my humble experience I would say it definitely stings and anyone who tells you that it just feels ‘like a pinch’ is a huge bastard liar and is probably related to the doctor who told you your BCG injection would feel like a scratch.

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Everyone will have an opinion on it

Actual real life, proper grownup adults who should know better, have peered into my face and said ‘I think you’d be much prettier without it’ and ‘I think it rather ruins your face’. Yes really. Direct quotes both of those. And neither were from my mum who has been far ruder than that before breakfast.

Even when it’s a favourable opinion its funny how much of an impact my nose ring can have. I’d say circa 70% of tinder openers contained some form of compliment about my nose ring. I used to feel quite chuffed about that until one boy (actually not a tinder conquest but a friend of a friend) sent me a meme with a picture of  a girl with a nose ring with this caption: “The ‘I fuck other girls boyfriends’ piercing.”

He may as well have just pointed at me and shouted ‘Humungous whore!’ whilst wielding a torch and pitchfork.

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Jokes on him because actually it should probably be called The ‘will try and sleep with other girls boyfriends but will probably pass out and be sick on self instead’ piercing. Just sayin.

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me always

It will get a bump

Truth time: 95% of the time your piercing will look awesome. 5% of the time it will look like an alien tumour grew on the side of your face and popped a metal stud on its head.

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You basically have to keep your piercing really really REALLY clean which involves not touching it ever, squirting it with so much saline solution you can taste it at the back of your throat always and putting up with it looking quite shite and googling ‘can a nose piercing scar you for life’ and worrying that you’ve ruined your face for the first few months at least.

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Yeah I said months.

Oh, oh and here’s the real kicker! The amount of time you’ve had your piercing is no indication of how likely you are to form a bump. I am currently the proud owner of bump next to my nose ring that i’ve had for a YEAR and a half because I was trying to kiss MOD in what I believed to be a sexy manner following ten hundred bottles of wine one Sunday (yep oh how I hated myself the next morning) but that he said to be a bit more like a swaying boa constrictor jabbing its head at its prey (lots of swaying head movements) and thwacked my nose on his nose.

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I’d also like to personally thank MOD here for constantly pointing out the bump and making fun of it. Having a boyfriend RULES.*

*If you’d like to see a performance of ‘Her bump, her bump, her ugly red nose bump’ to the tune of ‘my humps’ then do get in touch.

The bump isn’t the worst that can happen

I tell you this story with the weariness of an old man who has lived in a haunted house for years. This tale is both fearsome and loathsome and those who are not of a strong disposition should look away now.

Twas the summer of ’15 and I was freshly pierced and happy as a camper. Until one day I noticed that my lovely new piercing appeared to be sinking into my nose. Yeah that’s right, my skin had taken on the properties of quicksand and was sucking my stud into my nose.

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I was, obviously, fairly distressed by this so made my way to the studio where I had it done. I calmly explained my predicament (wailed and warbled at the man whilst shakily pointing at my nose in the manner of Winona Ryders character from Stranger Things).

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They took a quick look at it and summoned a man called Pete from the back room to take a look. Unfortunately for me Pete was a stunning god of a man. Huge beard, loads of tattoos, douchey piercings and a vest. Waaaaheeeyyyy Pete – you look like the kind of guy who will treat me like crap and tell me he doesn’t believe in monogamy. You seem like the kind of guy who will not text me for months and then send me a text saying ‘I’m walking by your house’ and fully expect it to end in sex. In short Pete YOU are my kind of guy!

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guys like this are my kryptonite

Pete examined my nose piercing with his beautiful rugged hands and I accidentally made an involuntary noise that sounded like ‘meeewaap’ and had to pass it off as a cry of pain.

In some bizarre twist of fate (considering I had a nose the size of Rudolph and had clearly been wailing all the way to the studio) we were actually doing a bit of normal flirting. I was being almost cool and as little like Mark Corrigan from Peep show as possible.

Mark Corrigan is, unfortunately, my spirit animal when it comes to flirting. Minor low point when he said ‘oh poor you this looks painful’ and I replied ‘well I guess don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time’ which was both lame af and made no sense at all.

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Beautiful Pete explained he would have to look inside my nose as he thought I might have a bump on the inside of my nostril (sexaaayyy) which would mean bye bye nose piercing forever. I stared into his dreamy eyes. He stared up my nose with a torch and held my hand with the other. It was happening. We were falling in love! This was magic! I’d drop into the studio on the weekends with coffee for the team. Our children would gasp at how cool mummy and daddy were back in the day. Our wedding would…

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“What in the name of all that is holy…”

“What’s that Petey? Babes?”

With that my future husband reached inside my nose with a pair of tweezers and pulled out the biggest and grossest fucking bogey I have ever seen in my life.

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It had hair in it.

To make matter worse Mr ‘Honestly I’ve seen far grosser things than your lovely little nose’ gagged at the sight of this bogey. I’m not talking a jokey gag, I’m talking a proper nearly sick, watery eye gag.

Pete explained, between gags, that this bogey had attached itself to the bar of my piercing and had been pulling it into my nose like a malevolent alien. Yes, that’s right, the weight of it had caused my piercing to be dragged into my nose. Grim as fuck my friends.

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But alls well that ends well because Pete simply cast my giant bogey asunder (honestly the size of my thumbnail. Look at your thumbnail. Not small for a bogey is it) and gathered me into his arms. We’re in love, Pete is actually MOD and no bogey could ever tear us asunder.

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Lol no not really.

Come on.

Would you marry bogey girl? I’d be prepared to bet that not one male reader would marry bogey girl. If you would you’re clearly mad and, also, email me and let me know because frankly I could do with the ego boost.

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No what actually happened is Pete basically shoved me out of his studio as quick as he could with the parting shot ‘just clean it more yeah?’ and MOD is a boy who I love, who is probably reading this story and trying desperately to remain attracted to me.

It’s worth it in the end

Sure, it takes a long time to settle down and it hurts a bit at first but once all that’s done it looks bloody brilliant. Plus, when you take it out you basically can’t even tell you had one in the first place. It’s the wimps version of a cool tattoo – all the kudos no commitment. God its depressing that I actually wrote that sentence down.

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So go forth and poke holes in yourself people! I highly recommend it!

That’s all

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One thought on “How to prepare for a nose piercing

  1. You omitted the occasion when I had to drive you to A &E to have the revolting thing professionally removed before your entire face caved in ! Love mummy x

    Like

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