A (not) Very Happy Chinese New Year

My pal sent me my Chinese New Year Horoscope and it was single handedly the most depressing read of my life. So I thought I’d share it with you all.

Piece of advice – don’t read yours. If it’s anything like mine you will find yourself crying under your desk, wondering what you did to make the Chinese Horoscope writer hate you so much.

Here we go:

“Individuals who were born in the year of the Snake have clashing Earthly Branches of Shenjin. In other words, they are affected by punishment of Tai Sui – which means harm or injury. Be aware of the impact this could have on your personal relationships.”

Oh you DON’T SAY. Well thanks a bloody bunch ‘Tai Sui’ whoever you might be. In my head you are a well-groomed smug married who lives in a two bed flat you purchased with your cardigan-wearing boyfriend. I bet you have a dog named something ‘quirky’ like Ronan, just to show what bloody great laughs you both are. HAR HAR.

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Dicks

Sorry I mean…thanks Tai Sui I’ll be sure to ‘be aware’

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It’s nice to know that my catastrophic dating life looks set to continue in 2016. I mean I have, in fact, already passed out during a date and had to be carried home so it’s not like it was off to a winning start.

“Meanwhile, watch out for minor health changes, such as bodily injury or even bleeding.”

Generalised ‘bleeding’ does not sound like a ‘minor health change’. Yesterday you weren’t bleeding. Today you are oozing blood from every pore.

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oh my gosh thanks for telling me I just didn’t notice that at all

Also weird to tell me ‘watch out’ for this. Like I might not notice my bodily injury. Yeah alright I’ll probably be drunk when it happens.

“Unlucky stars include ‘Adorn Funeral Uniform’ and ‘Evil Robbery’ – so keep an eye on the health condition of elderly relatives to prevent them from getting worse. ‘Evil Robbery’ represents a loss in wealth.”

SO many things.

1)      How is ‘adorn funeral uniform’ the name of a star? It sounds like the kind of band I oft pretend to like in order to ensare bearded arty men who are in bands that are about to ‘take off any day now’ (lol – yeah SURE it is Jay – I’ll keep my eye on the O2 line up shall I? Snigger)

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2)      ‘Evil Robbery’ is a bit overkill for someone who has roughly £23 quid in their bank account after she has paid her rent and bills (I’m talking about myself here. In the 3rd person.) Like maybe you could just send ‘Petty Theft’ or ‘Lazy Pickpocketer’. Don’t bring out the big guns its honestly not worth it.

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“Lucky star of 2016 is ‘Reward,’ there is possibility of getting help from others around personal business and career development. Those who are employees, there will be career development with the help of mentors, so let them help you.”

Um…is there any way of…you know like…cough…cashing this ‘reward’ in? For a cash alternative of some sort? Not that I wouldn’t LOVE a workplace mentor but I have found, from past experience, people keen to slap themselves with the ‘mentor’ badge are more the sort of people you end up hiding under your desk from rather than having a great laugh in the pub with.

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I worked with one young gentleman who loved a bit of ‘mentoring’ aka ‘being a huge annoying patronising fuckface’.

He once sent me an email that contained this sentence

Please could you mark all these things in red.

You’re an absolute superstar

Your friendly Mentor

It took every ounce of energy in my body not to reply

No worries. I will mark these things in red. Oops red. Oh no RED. Gosh golly looks like I need that mentoring more than I thought.

You’re a patronising fuck

Your not so friendly work colleague.

“2016 Wealth fortune for those who were born in the year of the Snake

As it is a year affected by punishment of Tai Sui. There is sign of wealth loss under the influence of ‘Evil Robbery.’ This financial loss could be related to the bad health of an elderly relative – make appropriate provisions for this at the beginning of the year.”

Seriously Tai Sui what did I ever do to you? Was it because I mocked your dog? I am sorry really I am.

As a side note though the only ‘elderly’ relative I have is my grandma who is scouse, much more fashionable than me, a regular gym goer and often parties until 2am with her ‘elderly’ mates who we refer to as ‘the Westerton babes’.  I’d like to see you try.

“Luckily, the presence of ‘Reward’ star is related to someone coming to rescue and wealth fortune, with stable development in career and fortune of wealth. Those who own their own business will benefit from external help, and increasing clients. Those who are employed will have a smooth year, and potentially even a new income stream.”

Well HALLEJUJAH for that.

Slightly worried new income stream might involve something illegal. I hope I don’t suddenly decide that trying to sell my body would be a good idea. Anyone? Any takers? PLEASE?!

“Impatience won’t pay off this year – avoid short-term investment and opt for medium to long-term investment instead for favourable returns. In general, 2016 is a year is a good year financially for those born in the year of the Snake. Play your cards right and you might even have some savings by the end of it!”

Holy Christ on a stick please let this be true. Having savings is an unobtainable dream up there with always having manicured nails or going on a date with Douglas Booth.

“We suggested individuals to put on a pendant of ‘winged mythical wild animal’ to boost the luck of wealth in both positive and opportunistic investment.”

Can one buy this pendant in H&M? If not I’m probably out.

“2016 Career fortune for those who were born in the year of the Snake

With the assistance from others, this might be your year for a promotion. There will be stable progression, rather than a massive change, so don’t be too aggressive with how you pursue things – and maintain a good relationship with your boss.”

For anyone who remembers my seminal post on wise things my friends say, I’d say i’m doing pretty well on that front.

When you shiver it means a boy has swiped left on you on tinder

A classic quote from him.

 

“2016 Love fortune for those who were born in the year of the Snake

Men who have been single for years will finally meet a long-term partner in 2016. This might be the year to finally let your friends play matchmaker, or let things develop gradually with friends.

Love fortune for women is average – even if you do meet someone great, you might discover that neither of you are willing to take the next big step.”

I mean is this a bloody surprise to anyone? Considering that in 2015 I dated the following ‘treats’, I think its safe to say no one was expecting carl from Love Actually (yeah I know I’m obbsessed with him) to come and sweep me off my feet

The Casanova Awards of 2015

  • The guy who referred to me as a ‘Super Fly Honey’
  • The guy who pointed at two men on an escalator standing close to each other and said ‘gaaaayyyyy’. Yep.
  • The guy who turned up at my house so high that could barely formulate a sentence only to tell me he categorically did NOT want me to be his girlfriend.
  • The guy who I’m pretty sure stole a pair of my pants…like I don’t have proof but…yeah I know it was him.

How depressing….lets distract ourselves with some Carl.

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What are you DOING you IDIOT

“If you’re in a LTR, (omg LOLS) pay attention to your partner and avoid influence from the opposite sex – of you don’t exercise control you might find yourself straying against your better judgement. Wear a ‘unique fox bracelet’ in 2016 to strengthen love fortune. With this, singles could seek love relationship and married individuals could strengthen their marriage.”

Is this bracelet magic? Like is it actually blessed by Dumbledore and the entire clan of Hogwarts? It will have to be made of pretty powerful stuff to mute the ‘calling all weirdos’ radar I have emanating out of my head.

“2016 Health fortune for those who were born in the year of the Snake

Individuals who were born in the year of the Snake are spared from serious illness.”

excellent. every cloud.

“However, watch out for climate change when travelling; not only will it affect travel itinerary, stormy weather will lead to cold, and fever.”

you giveth with one hand and taketh with the other.

“Additionally, you may be affected by the punishment of Tai Sui and this can lead to some unstable emotions.”

Hey Tai Sui! I’m actually growing rather fond of Tai Sui. I feel like she is my friendly sabotaging pal who makes me lose money, feel quite ill and wrecks my relationships. OMG – Is Tai Sui a bottle of wine?!?!

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Also hahahahahha unstable emotions….HAHAHAHA. What are they talking about? Seriously I’M FINE.

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HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR FOLKS

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